Each month I step out of my crystal meditation chamber, close my office and leave my home. I plunge into the wilderness and ride the cosmic current until I am speaking directly to the star people. I ask them what you need to know in order to better navigate the coming lunar cycle and they speak to me. I then return to Earth and share this cosmic wisdom, with you, my readers.
Aries- It should go without saying this month, it should- but it won’t. You always ruin it.
Taurus- You’ll get used to everything being upside down. Not today, but someday.
Gemini- Checking yourself for ticks shouldn’t take so long, but thanks to the moon’s unwillingness to cooperate with local authorities regarding matters beyond your comprehension, it does.
Cancer- This time you’ll be ready. Ready for what? You’re not ready to know that.
Leo- Each of us is a star, a unique and wonderful expression of the divine, but not you. Nobody knows what you are.
Virgo- Next time you find yourself at a party, leave your self there. Bring your Self home, though.
Libra- It’s all dry food for you this month, literally, figuratively, metaphorically, and for real.
Scorpio- Milking almonds isn’t the fastest way for you to advance your career, but it’s the only way available to you. It’s udder-ly ridiculous, but that’s just how it is.
Sagittarius- The expansion you felt and mistook for a desire to broaden your horizons was just gas. A table spoon of baking soda mixed with tepid tap water should fix you right up.
Capricorn- Remember that time when you bothered to try? 6 people died that day as a direct result of your efforts. If you try this month, expect the body count to triple.
Aquarius- How do you feel? The stars made you feel that way. Don’t try to feel them back without wearing oven mitts as they’re made of exploding gasses.
Pisces- Might as well swim all the way down to the bottom of the ocean and start a new life. Don’t worry, most of you will learn to breathe underwater on the way down.