Each month I step out of my crystal meditation chamber, close my office and leave my home. I plunge into the wilderness and ride the cosmic current until I am speaking directly to the star people. I ask them what you need to know in order to better navigate the coming lunar cycle and they speak to me. I then return to Earth and share this cosmic wisdom, with you, my readers.
Aries- Don’t get cocky just yet, there’s still the matter of an appeal. The stars are telling you to make sure you removed all those fingerprints and, for God’s sake, get those dental records destroyed, a whole new life awaits you!
Taurus- Time to face the music, my bull horned friend. After years of passing the buck, the devil will come knocking on your door to get his due. The only question that remains is how are you going to face something you can’t see, only hear?
Gemini- I can only imagine your disappointment on the 17th, when you finally realize that Leprechaun trap you invented was just a cup of noodles attached to a piece of kite string.
Cancer- Like the animal and disease that your sign shares its name with, you’ll also find yourself hard and sick. What does that mean, cancer? I don’t know. I just write down what the stars are saying. Maybe if you called your mother once in awhile, you’d have some of this stuff figured out already, wouldn’t you?
Leo- Why are you hitting yourself?
Virgo- Nobody understands you, right? Look I get it. The thing is that people don’t want to understand a whiny, demanding, irrational drunk who is upset because they can’t burn things down as often as they’d like to. Don’t worry, next Tuesday when Mars enters your sign, you’ll have more than one chance to settle some hash.
Libra- Don’t turn left until you’re sure you’re holding the map correctly. Keep that in mind and you’ll come up aces all month. Th
Scorpio- A serving size is 12 ozs. There’s no getting around it, so stop trying. Only madness waits for you if you continue to refute this irrefutable truth.
Sagittarius- Your sign is known for its love of travel. Why don’t you try some of that this month? There’s not much going on. You won’t miss anything. Go ahead.
Capricorn- No one really knows why your sign is represented by a goat fish, but it is. Don’t let that stop you this month, no matter what. Rise above your slime, fish scented, horned, nature and live your best life in spite of yourself. The stars dare you.
Aquarius- Free love and always eating off of napkins and paper plates might seems like a great way to go through life, but ask your mom how it worked out for her before you commit to anything this month.
Pisces- Keep drinking fish face. You’re almost done.