Each month I step out of my crystal meditation chamber, close my office and leave my home. I plunge into the wilderness and ride the cosmic current until I am speaking directly to the star people. I ask them what you need to know in order to better navigate the coming lunar cycle and they speak to me. I then return to Earth and share this cosmic wisdom, with you, my readers.
Aries- You’ll never learn as long as you insist on not going to school. Some things are obvious. Some things are not.
Taurus- Do you even know what you are looking at? I mean really. Snap out of it.
Gemini- Instead of continuing to steal pies from the window sill, why not learn how to bake them yourself? It’s a simple question, no need to get so roused up.
Cancer- Sadly, no matter how much you love that pet rock of yours isn’t going to love you back. Don’t believe me? Time will out.
Leo- Summertime. Was the living really that easy or are you just too afraid to be honest with yourself?
Virgo- Roses are red, Virgos are blue, there’s no one in the world who cares about you. There might have been one person, but you ruined that a long time ago, didn’t you?
Libra- Have you ever thought about, just, how big the universe is? You really shouldn’t, unless you have a flashlight, two packs of rubber bands, a new toothbrush, and three nickles.
Scorpio- Ever try not being a jerk? Give it a try and let me know how it goes. You may feel dizzy at first, but you’ve never let that stop you before, have you?
Sagittarius- Do you have a dog? If so, why not write a children’s book about it? Your dog is special and will make you rich if only you can find the courage to follow your heart.
Capricorn- You’re at the point where you should know better but you don’t. So where does that leave you, exactly? Don’t look at me, cosmic wisdom has it’s limits, just like everything else.
Aquarius- I’m sorry to say it’ going to be another month of popsicles for every meal. I’m even sorrier to say I know just how excited you are about that.
Pisces- Listen carefully: The potato time is here. You know what to do.