Each month I step out of my crystal meditation chamber, close my office and leave my home. I plunge into the wilderness and ride the cosmic current until I am speaking directly to the star people. I ask them what you need to know in order to better navigate the coming lunar cycle and they speak to me. I then return to Earth and share this cosmic wisdom, with you, my readers.
Aries- Take up smoking, if you haven’t already. It’ll help you energize while you relax. A pack a day isn’t too bad if you’re just starting out. Think of it as investing in your self. Don’t you, of all people, deserve to be at the peak of your satisfaction, relaxation, and ability? If you do smoke, switch to vaping. The change of pace will reinvigorate the now dull flames of passion that once existed between you and your precious cigarettes.
Taurus- You need to stop thinking so much about why clam juice isn’t a more popular drink choice as you’d like it to be and start focusing on why you feel so much affinity for it. Honestly, it’s not like you’ve even taken a sip of the stuff. It’s like you’re being mind controlled by some sort of mind control ray beamed out by the clam juice awareness council. Least they could do is pay you. Just remember, there are more kinds of juices out there.
Gemini- Everything takes time, even taking time. When there’s nothing to do but wait, wait is what you should do. Just the way it is. Fyi time goes faster when you’re not yelling and screaming at every inanimate object that looks at you funny.
Cancer- What have you been doing with yourself? You have to know, somewhere deep inside, what you have been doing with yourself is stuff you SHOULD be doing to others. I’m sure you knew that already, but you haven’t done anything about it, have you? You have to do more than know things. They say it’s half the battle but, realistically, it’s more like 35% at best. Usually, it’s around 20%.
Leo- It must be difficult spending all day thinking about how great you are. Why not take a break and see what’s really going on in the world, outside your head. You may find that you are not the only person in the world, while that may sting a bit at first, you’ll get used to. Stage lights can blind you to the presence of the audience and make you forget you’re just acting. Geez man, get it together.
Virgo- The less you know about what the stars have to say about you this month, the better. Pretty sure that’s not what you wanted to hear, but that’s what you heard so deal with it. You’ll just have to make your own decisions and suffer the consequences. Not fair? What makes you think this is fair? Stop living your life by the headlines and look at the fine print already. It’s almost too late.
Libra- Look, nobody likes it when their pants won’t stay up because there’s really nothing to like about it. Most people you meet feel the same way about you- you’re like that feeling of pants falling down but in the form of a person. That can’t be news to you but this probably is: the stars say that sometime this month you’ll meet your belt. Try not to hang yourself with it.
Scorpio- What are you still doing here? Miss the bus again? Not the real bus, it’s a metaphor, but you don’t care about those much. You’re about to, if the stars are right, to start caring about metaphors and similes in a way you never thought was possible. You will, however, still retain your ignorance of and hatred for split infinitives. Thank your gods for that small favor.
Sagittarius- Don’t plan on getting too many Christmas gifts this year, your surprise conversion to the Jewish Faith ruins it for everyone again. You said you wouldn’t do this this year but here we are. Is anyone surprised? Have fun at the movies.
Capricorn- These past few months the universe has been testing you in several areas. Verbal, non-verbal, math, and non-math. You need to get it together if you ever want to go to university.
Aquarius- If you put on a pair of VR goggles, then put a pair over those while someone films it, then the film is edited so it’s slow motion and backward, no one will understand what that means. If that makes sense, then you know exactly what I mean. If it doesn’t, just pick another sign and pretend you’re that one until next month. It usually works out fine.
Pisces- I don’t know what to tell you. Dual majoring in Parapsychology/Cryptozoology while working nights at a gas station isn’t what most people would call “making it”. This month you will become one of those people. Don’t fight it.