Each month I step out of my crystal meditation chamber, close my office and leave my home. I plunge into the wilderness and ride the cosmic current until I am speaking directly to the star people. I ask them what you need to know in order to better navigate the coming lunar cycle and they speak to me. I then return to Earth and share this cosmic wisdom, with you, my readers.
Aries- Time to own up to who ate all those pickles and ruined the annual pickle day parade. You can’t hide forever, too many people are looking for you.
Taurus-Are you sad to see the Sun leave your sign or were you too busy to notice he was even there in the first place? Thought so.
Gemini- So the homemade rocket ship didn’t quite work as planned. You already quit your job, so why not try again? What’s the worst that could happen? Interstellar travel gets put into the hands of the common citizen? That’s not so bad.
Cancer- You’re up to your old ways, but everyone else is up to their new ways.
Leo- If the shoe fits that means you CAN wear it, not that you HAVE to wear it. A lot of old sayings don’t know they’re talking about. Remember that if you want to live until fall.
Virgo- If you’re too nice, people might take advantage of you. If you’re too mean, they might not invite you over to parties or share their drugs with you. If you’re a Virgo, it doesn’t really matter too much. Sorry.
Libra- You’ve been balancing everything but your checkbook of late. This out-of-control spending is bound to catch up with you by the 14th. Avoid greasy foods until the 9th and don’t worry too much about repaying your student loan.
Scorpio- Tell the cops you’re not home and try to think of a better plan before they come back.
Sagittarius- Time to take a trip. Under an assumed name. To a land you’ve never been before. You should’ve known this was going to happen. Stay out of Denmark.
Capricorn- The phrase “Got your goat?” means something different to you than it does to most people. That’s a shame. It’s a real shame. Too much of a shame to really talk about in public. A crushing, insurmountable amount of shame. The kind of shame that ruins a life before it starts. Geez.
Aquarius- “Life’s not all rainbows and robots” the old saying goes. I’m happy to say that you’ll have exactly 4 hours this month where that’s not true. Plan now for May 25, 2019 1-5 pm EST and make the most of the situation.
Pisces- Can a fish drown? No, but a Phish can. You’ll need to know the difference in the upcoming weeks, so maybe take a class or something.